vanessa.oxygenvalve.com

Once upon a time, in my teenage years, I would spend ages scanning the Hallmark store for the “perfect” card that conveyed just the right sentiment. Especially when it came to my friends. The ideal card was one that had some long and drawn out joke on the front and a side-splitting punch line on the inside. Also, the ones featuring chimpanzees dressed like people were a popular favorite. Hoo boy, those were the best! Monkey card, anyone?

I must have gotten the greeting card bug from my mom, who often buys two cards per occasion: one funny and one tear-jerker. Also, Mom is of the mindset that a greeting card is a quintessential element of the gift-giving process. You could choose the perfect gift, but without a card, it’s just not complete.

In recent years, I’ve changed my tune about cards. I owe my change of heart on two things: Mike has never been one for cards, and I think cards are a tremendous waste of paper and money! I mean, have you seen the cost of those things!? It’s highway robbery, I tell you!! 4 bucks for a folded piece of paper and and an envelope that will most likely end up in the garbage. Plus, companies like Hallmark expect you to buy cards for all kinds of occasions that should not require a card. For example: St. Patrick’s Day, 4th of July, Thanksgiving, Cinco De Mayo, I could go on and on. Don’t even get me started on the sound-effect cards! Buy a REAL gift for God’s sake!

Another thing about cards that annoys me is that most people just write “Dear so-and-so, Love, yours truly” and that’s it! They’re a crutch for all those inarticulate folks out there who have no idea what to say to their loved ones — even I’ve been guilty of it on occasion. My mother is an exception; she always includes a personal note. If you look at vintage greeting cards, all they ever said was, “Happy Birthday” or “Seasons Greetings” and people had to come up with the nice words. It didn’t matter if it was poetry, it just mattered that the person took the time to say it.

So anyway, I didn’t mean for this entry to be a rampage about cards, but it looks like it’s ended up as such. I only brought it up because my Mom’s birthday is next week, and I have to either buy her a nice card with just the right message or make one. It’s looking more like I’m going to make one, since I’m such a cheapskate right now, and there’s no way I’m going to disappoint my otherwise awesome Mom!

I saw Kris’s recent post and thought I would copy her because, like my work-in-progress portfolio, I find myself dry of good/original ideas right now. :) According to Typealyzer, my blogging persona is:

ESFP – The Performers

The entertaining and friendly type. They are especially attuned to pleasure and beauty and like to fill their surroundings with soft fabrics, bright colors and sweet smells. They live in the present moment and don´t like to plan ahead – they are always in risk of exhausting themselves.

They enjoy work that makes them able to help other people in a concrete and visible way. They tend to avoid conflicts and rarely initiate confrontation – qualities that can make it hard for them in management positions.

Kinda spot-on really! Although after putting in a bunch of sites that I read regularly, most of them came up as Performers. OK, that was a fun momentary diversion, but I need to get back to the portfolio! (Not having a lot of luck here.)

Occasionally, I check up on vanessa.com and see what atrocious site graces the domain name. The roster of past sites is pretty much all over the board: it’s been a porn site, an obscure musician’s webpage, on sale for some ungodly amount, and now it’s a pathetic portal of nothingness. Grr.

So I’m considering registering a new domain or two. Not to get rid of oxygenvalve, but to supplement it — a space where I can be purely professional. The last thing I need is prospective clients/employers coming to this blog, reading my occasional profanity, personal content and thinking, “Yikes! I’ll never hire her!” Then again, I don’t really want to work for up-tight poop-heads anyway. Ah, dilemmas…

Anyhoo, I’m considering vanessaloftus.com of course, and then there’s vannypants.com. I think what it’s going to come down to is the fact that I now have to register a DBA and I can’t decide if my company name will just be my name or something more creative. In the end, I don’t think it really matters. I just have to decide.

I know that this has been done before and it’s nothing new. I just thougt I got some funny results. The rules? Go to Google and type in “unfortunately (insert your name here)” and see what comes up. These were my favorites:

Unfortunately, Vanessa’s can’t satisfy late night urges, they close at 10PM.

Unfortunately Vanessa dropped in to use the bathroom too and during all the excitement the pregnancy tests got mixed up.

Unfortunately Vanessa’s main weakness—the bars—ate her alive and prevented her from enjoying more success.

Unfortunately, Vanessa’s Moon is at an awkward inconjunction with your Saturn.

Unfortunately, Vanessa turned out to have mild hip dysplasia, so she never entered our breeding program. She is now spayed and living happily in a wonderful pet home.

Unfortunately, Vanessa used this as the hook to try and suck me into her dramas.

Unfortunately, Vanessa has not taken many classes in art. She has only taken the general required classes back in junior high.

Yeah, I know this was a totally lame entry. So SUE ME!

I saw that Kris posted her 25 things on her blog, and I felt compelled to do the same… Sorry for being unoriginal.

1. I am a Jersey Girl: born and raised. Sometimes I miss living there for the shopping, no tax on clothes, and of course the fact that my parents still live there… but then I think about all the other things I don’t miss…
2. While I may not seem like the religious type, Mike and I both sing for our local Catholic church. I love singing, and that’s one of my only outlets — besides the car.
3. In 1986, I was irrationally afraid that Halley’s Comet was going to crash into the earth and kill me while I was brushing my teeth. I was 9.
4. I love Gin. It is my poison of choice. Gimlets, Martinis, Aviations: I love them all!
5. I secretly wish I switched majors half way through college and had become a metal smith. I consider myself to be a craftswoman of sorts and I love having a physical manifestation of my creativity as opposed to computer art.
6. On the flip side: I am a total nerd and actually like programming. I enjoy the critical thinking it requires. I should have taken more programming courses in grad school. Also, I took my first programming class in BASIC on one of the first Macintosh computers in (maybe) 4th grade…
7. In third grade my classmates called me “cow” because we went to a farm and milked a pretty tan dairy cow named Vanessa. I was kinda chubby then, but by today’s standards I was normal.
8. I’ve had 18 stitches on my face at three different times. 1. I fell into a coffee table when I was 2 (10 stitches) 2. My friend’s brother hit me between the eyes with a wooden ping pong paddle. (5 sitches) 3. I did a cartwheel in my parents’ tiny den and gashed my cheek on some furniture (3 stitches)
9. I haven’t had cable TV since 1999. I don’t miss it one bit!
10. None of the women in my family have middle names. The only reason why I have one now is because I took my maiden name as my middle name after I was married. Hyphenation is stupid.
11. I own a telescope that I have NO CLUE how to use. My dad gave it to me because he was getting a nicer one.
12. I’ve been to Sweden, but because I was 2 I don’t remember a damn thing. I lived there with my parents for a few months. I would love to go back someday.
13. I dumped Mike two times before I finally decided to go out with him for good. (Thank God he stuck around!) We’ve been together 11 years since then.
14. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. But I think I’m getting closer to knowing.
15. I’ve already had two gin and tonics since I started writing this, and I should NOT have another since I’ve got Choir rehearsal in less than an hour!
16. I play World of Warcraft at least once a week. My main character is a level 52 female rogue night elf (subtlety spec). I am a total dork, but I’m OK with that.
17. In the same dorky vein, I played the original Zork on my dad’s TRS80. Green screen and 5.5″ floppy, baby! I have to admit, I liked Planetfall better!
18. In high school, I cheated on a Spanish quiz when there was a substitute teacher. I got caught and was eventually kicked out of the National Honor Society and Spanish Honor Society. Long story! I’m not proud… but I still graduated 5th in my class.
19. I sucked at normal team sports, so I was on the swim team in high school. Since I was one of the only kids who knew how to swim butterfly, albeit badly, I always got stuck doing it in relays. I could barely make it down and back without passing out. I was horrible!
20. I love anime and kung fu movies. Again with the nerdiness…
21. I have a hard time relating to other girls. Maybe it’s the tomboy in me, but most women seem shallow and one-dimensional.
22. I have a strange obsession with the Wienermobile… I don’t even really like hot dogs. I was totally heartbroken when it came to Rochester, and I didn’t get to see it. I sent Mike out to get pictures of it while I was at work. ;) I also have a photo of me standing next to one at the Henry Ford Museum in Michigan.
23. I’ve been taking belly dance classes for more than a year. Since I don’t really have the time to practice, I feel horribly inept most of the time. I still love doing it tho; it helps me get in touch with my inner goddess!
24. When I was much younger, My cousin and I once stayed up all night watching Dirty Dancing over and over! We then went swimming in my pool in our pajamas, and watched the sun come up over my street! Great memories!
25. I have my final tattoo appointment on Thursday and I’m already thinking of getting another one.

OK, I have to go to rehearsal now! I’m LATE!

I did a little more sleuthing and found a picture of the exact frames I’m getting, so I’m pretty psyched!

Now that I have the knowledge that my close-range vision is screwed up, I’m definitely taking notice of the problem more. This morning I had trouble seeing my eyes well enough to put on makeup. Yesterday, I had a little trouble reading the music for church. I guess I was just playing ignorant up until now. I really hope the glasses come in sooner than later so that I can start seeing normally.

Mike made fun of me because I told him I would probably use those granny chains to keep my glasses around my neck! Given the nature of my forgetfulness, I really have no problem wearing the “idiot chain” (as Mike fondly calls them). Maybe I’ll have to get some cute ones on Etsy, or better yet: make one!

Last Saturday my right eye started twitching like crazy and it didn’t really subside until Thursday when I started getting headaches. On Thursday my work had a health fair and they were giving free vision screenings. The twitching could have been caused by eye strain or simply the sinus cold I felt was coming on. Nevertheless, the optician told me I should probably have a standard eye exam since the last time I had one was probably more than 4 years ago. When I called the office, I got an appointment almost immediately, so on Friday I waltzed in for an exam. Long of the short of it is: I’m farsighted. No doubt, the hours I spend in front of the computer have finally taken its toll on my eyes. Poo. Luckily, I only need them when I’m working. I tried to find a picture of my new glasses, but for some reason, they don’t exist online! The ones I’m getting look similar to this, but cooler.
When I get them in 10 days or so, I’ll post a picture.

Mike purchased Rockband 2 sometime before the New Year, and we formed a band called Linoleum Knife (Aqua Teen Hunger Force reference). Usually, I sing and Mike plays drums. But sometimes Mike wants to sing, so I have to play drums, because I’m terrible on the guitar.

Then we got to a point in the local tour where I could no longer select Easy difficulty for the drums. So I decided to go back to the warm-up songs and try out Medium difficulty. EPIC FAIL. I am completely inept with my left hand. The second a pattern requires my left hand to be dominant, I fumble and totally suck out. I can do some of the easy songs, but not many. Desperate, I tried some drum training, and that just made matters worse. Mike tried to help, but he eventually ended up on the sidelines giggling at my awkward, incompetent drumming. I guess I’ll just stick to the singing; it’s what I’m good at anyway. But drumming is so fun… when you don’t suck!

If you’re anything like me, you’ve collected, gathered and stashed a lot of stuff in your life. I’ve mentioned it before on this site, but since I started trying to purge some of the miscellaneous junk from my office in preparation for moving to a smaller room, I’m more painfully obvious of the problem. The new space really requires a lot less volume since it’s quite a bit smaller and I’m still having trouble getting rid of things. Granted, I haven’t used or looked at the 20 or so beading magazines in a long time, so those can go. Neither have I picked up those oil paints, pastels, or calligraphy pens in many, many years, but I absolutely will not get rid of those because I MIGHT want to paint some day! Don’t even get me started on the 5 Cabbage Patch Kids birth certificates that are hanging around, but won’t throw out, ever. Plus, I encountered no less than 4 fancy journals/diaries that have only a handful of entries beginning on January 1st and are still 99.9 percent blank. In other words, I got them as Christmas gifts and in an attempt to try to write down my thoughts, I kept up with it for a week, and I predictably slacked off.

The gentleman who loads the work vending machine with m&m’s needs a serious lesson on the proper way to load the vending coil. Three times I have purchased chocolatey m&m morsels, and three times I have watched in horror as the bag fails to drop. Once I had to buy another bag just to get mine out. And most recently, I summoned help from a friend who violently shook the machine for over a minute before it fell free from the coil’s clutches. To keep a girl from her chocolate is among the most grievous of offenses, and this guy needs to be strung up by his toenails for it.